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The Goofy Press

Monday, December 17, 2012

Since when did Lisa become a man's name??

Did you hear? The EPA's Lisa Jackson used secret, fake email accounts to pretend she was a man named Robert Windsor. Meanwhile, when they heard the news, her colleagues were like, "Wait, you're telling me she's not a man?? She never needed a fake email address to convince me of her manhood."

Sunday, November 11, 2012

What does it take to work for the CIA?

What does it take to work for the CIA?
Fighting skills. Check.
Language skills. Check.
Affairs. Huh?
List of people to replace David Patraeus: Tiger Woods. Bill Clinton. Kobe. Sandra Bullock's ex-husband. Arnold Schwarzenegger. They have all had the prerequisite affairs to make it as CIA director.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Lance LEGstrong

Lance Armstrong just got in trouble for steroids. Oh, so that's why they call him ArmSTRONG! But have you seen his arms? They're super skinny. Really, they should just call him Lance LEGstrong.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My beard is on Rogaine

When I was a kid, people would ask me, "Why don't you grow a beard already?" I'd say, "I do have a beard, dad, you just can't see it, because it's invisible."

Now, people tell me, "Nice beard, Tim." I say, "Thank you, I use Rogaine." It's like Viagra for your face hairs.

My beard is awesome. It's like a body guard for my face, like when I drink out of a milk jug or eat Cheetos or nachos or brush my teeth, instead of that stuff touching my face, it just gets stuck in the beard.

I used to have a big, bushy Moses beard, but I played baseball and they made me shave my beard, because it was on steroids.

It was so big and thick it took two hours to shave it all off. We started with scissors, then two or three electric razors. At one point, the razor ran out of battery and it stuck to my beard and just hung there (4:15 in the video above).

When I finally finished shaving the beard hair, I put it in a ziplock bag, then, after I left baseball, I glued some of it back onto my face. The rest of it, I mailed to my friends. We call it the "brotherhood of the traveling beard."

On the other hand, there's no need to use Rogaine for my unibrow. That grows naturally. It's my little way of saying, "I'm No. 1. I'm No. 1."

Friday, August 17, 2012

My credit score would get me a perfect game in bowling

Great news! Just checked my credit score. 300. With that kind of score I could bowl a perfect game, or make the Baseball Hall of Fame, or play Gerald Butler in that movie about the Spartans.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Paul Ryan on The Office?

You guys watch "The Office?" Well, apparently, the NBC producers only asked Jim to do the show after Paul Ryan turned them down.

On the flip side, old people who never watch "The Office" keep walking up to Jim and complaining about his Medicare plan.

Said Paul Ryan: "Hey girl, Pam isn't my wife, so can I get your number?"

World's oldest prisoner released after killing who?

You guys might have heard about this. The world's oldest woman prisoner was released this week. That's right, she said a lot's changed since the last time she saw the outside world -- like computers, and cars, and, well, electricity.

Yeah, apparently, she's been in prison ever since she poisoned Caesar some 2,000 years ago. 

Here's the story: http://news.yahoo.com/betty-smithey-longest-serving-female-prison-inmate-released-143909907--abc-news-topstories.html.